First of all, excuse me for the possibly huge triggers in the post, I do want to write this down now, because I want to show myself and other people how I dealt with this.
Right now I’m still a bit shaky from the last huge trigger I had. So I’ll just keep this in draft until I’ve calmed down enough, and can check the grammar mistakes because my head is so weird right now, I’m not even sure if I’m typing in English. Though it’s the only other language I fully speak.
First some explanation, I have two adorable cats, whom I love VERY much. They are great, come to me when I’m feeling sad. There’s always one of them with me in bed when I’m sleeping. Sometimes even both of them.
I do think I can smell more than the average people, maybe that’s because I’m more alert to smells? I honestly don’t know. But what I do know, I tend to smell things far before the other people around me etc. Well, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that smells can be good, or terrible to me. One of the terrible smells is poo. Yeah, its childish, but it really horrifies me. It makes me gag, so intense, I start to shake over my whole body. Most of the time I gag uncontrollable for a minute. That minute seems like forever when I’m in it.
So the cats poo, obviously. I don’t know how, but they do it A LOT. I have two litter boxes, of a normal size. They normally use one to poo and one to pee. But, I think it’s the male cat, poo’s like really much and they are huge. Its disgusting.. sorry.
I am not able to clean the litter box in a normal way because of the gagging and the horrific feeling that comes with it. I do believe this is a trigger, and I know why gagging gets me back in the past. What I don’t understand is what poo has to do with it? But I’m ok not knowing that right now. It could be that I just really smell it very powerful.
So my mum cleans it for me. Which she is kind of sick of, what I can understand. We’ve talked about giving my cats away, she doesn’t agree with that, because my cats are like my babies, they mean the world to me and I would be very down when they’re not around. I do agree with her on that, but I just can’t clean the litter box right now. They do need that care, they need a clean toilet.
Well, so my mum cleaned it Tuesday I think. She was tired from work, worrying about me and my sister etc. Suddenly she cursed at something in the bathroom, I didn’t know what it was, but since she screamed, I got scared instantly. But I pushed myself to go to the bathroom and ask her whats wrong. I came there and the door practically closed, so I asked her; ‘Mum.. whats wrong?’ she said nothing but I heard her sigh multiple times and it really remind me of when I was little. I know she’s pissed at something (of course me or my cats). I went back to the living room, I was terribly scared (Brenda freaking out of course). After a while she cursed again. I decided to go to the bathroom again and ask whats wrong. She didn’t answer, but I could hear she was crying. I was too afraid to go in, so I stood outside waiting. I did feel like I was in constant danger, everything told me to get the hell out, and look for some place save. I stood my ‘ground’ and waited till she came out. Eventually she came out and looked at me. I saw she was crying and she looked pissed. Softly I asked ‘whats wrong mum?’. She looked at me, and walked to the kitchen (she walked by me but didn’t say a thing). I followed her to the kitchen and asked again. She didn’t answer. I was in total panic, didn’t know what to do, incredibly scared. I went to the living room and sat on the couch. After 10 minutes (which felt like 10 hours) she came to the living room and sat on the other couch. We were silent for a while. I didn’t know what to do/say/think/feel, all I knew is it did not feel save, I felt like crying and breaking down, screaming for help, cutting myself. But I just sat there, petrified.. too scared to move. Suddenly she said something neutral, and I asked her wat happened. She told me (the bathroom was really nasty, she had to clean it all and she slipped) and I just started laughing hysterically, i really don’t know what that was but it was kinda freaky. Its like I was laughing all my tension away, though there wasn’t anything funny about it. After I finished laughing, which I also must have done for 5 minutes, with my mum looking mad at me, I told her I didn’t know why I was laughing, but that I was really scared of her shouting like that and not answering me, and after that ignoring me. She understood. We tried to have a chit-chat but she triggered me right after that (I don’t know with what, just something small). I asked her to leave.. Told her I’m sorry, but that she’s triggering me and I don’t want to snap out at her. She said she understood and left.
It was today, this afternoon. Background information; I have been in a car accident when I was 17. It was very heavy. My mum was driving, I was sitting next to her. Nobody knows how I got out with nothing, because I actually should’ve died.
However, I’m sorry, but my mum is a horrible driver. I know its not her fault, but I just don’t feel save with her driving, because she doesn’t really know how to control the car.
Today we were parked at a store. We had to drive in reverse to get out, because in front of us was a sort of little wall with a tree behind. However my mum went forward with the car and I guess she stepped on the break because we instantly stopped. I felt like I had a heart attack, but said nothing. Then she tried again, and it happened again! I couldn’t control myself and said/yelled; ‘MUM!’ and then she snapped at me; ‘DO YOU THINK IM DOING THIS ON PURPOSE?’ I can’t really remember the last time my mum shouted at me, it must have been a few years ago. However, shouting people scare the shit out of me. So she doing that to me, in my face, next to me, in a small car, made me have instant diarrhea (figuratively).
Third (and last) trigger
About the cats again. The litter box is cleaned, today, by my mum. Right after that the cat went to do her business (yes, number 2). unfortunately missy never covers anything up. On top of that she was wiping her ass on the floor, leaving the biggest skid marks i have ever seen, full of shit by the way. Well of course my house instantly smelled like poo. Of course I (and Brenda) freaked out. Brenda was screaming her head off. I really thought ‘stfu, i’m trying to think of something!’. I didn’t help. I started gagging and it went on and on. Shaking over my whole body, flashbacks. I did try to do something about it. I cleaned the skid marks, went to cover the poo in the litter box, but the smell stayed. For a LONG time.
Sure I do have a lot of triggers, but not with my mum like this, and it’s been a LONG time since she snapped out like that at me. I do think its a sign she’s reaching her limit. I feel bad about it. Because I know I have been a huge stress factor in her life. I know my sister is aswell, since she’s not doing great either and of course her work.
But that’s not why I’m writing this.
I did want to tell myself, for when I’m reading this back. I did endure the feeling, it was horrible, but I survived it. It did go away with time. I’m not saying I came out stronger, but I can’t deny that I have calmed down since (Tuesday for instance) and felt happy after that again.
I really don’t know what happened now. I think I have had some dissociation troubles. I’m tired. Suddenly The Voice Of Holland is gone, and there’s some other weird program on. Got a few messages on my mobile. Feel thirsty. Confused. Restless. Scared.
I’m going to find some distraction now, and then go to bed. It has been an emotional day.
Just gonna post this right now. I’m not really clear in the head, but the blog keeps wondering in my mind. I’ll take a look at it tomorrow again and make some changes if necessary.