Today has been a really weird day. I think I must have had any emotion possible. I know it seems like I might be exaggerating, but it’s how I feel my day was.
There were tons of things going through my head and I felt a lot, because of the many things going on in my head I also didn’t know what feeling went with what situation. So it was all kind of hazy.
Lets start at the beginning. I woke up, kinda tired cause of the little sleep I had. Which is my fault of course, I should’ve gone to bed earlier. I am a real night hawk so that makes it difficult at this point. (sometimes there are other things like, intense fears or nightmares)
I got up, did everything I had to. When I drove to therapy (I go with a taxi(cab)) I wasn’t feeling well. I looked out my window, of course already thinking about 100 things at the same time, and suddenly I didn’t recognize the environment. It was weird cause a part of me recognized it and another part of me was freaking out like ‘where am I ? What is happening?’ which made me scared. I think it went wrong somewhere there. I am not sure what triggered me, the problem with thousand thoughts in your head, is that I never really understand what I might have thought that could triggered me. Ah well, I was really slipping away, something was pulling my consciousness back, taking me away. I’m never sure what that is exactly, maybe Brenda, maybe me? Anyway it is VERY hard to stay in the present and it costs me so much energy. I have to concentrate while everything in me is losing contact with the world. I did some exercises to stay in the present, the problem is, I have to do them constantly to stay in the present. When I arrived at therapy I was so tired and emotional about everything.
Then we had creative(art?) therapy, which Brenda hates. Cause my personal goal there is, to feel comfortable with using ‘strange’ objects. Strange as in they feel weird, like clay/crayons. Of course we were working with crayons. Brenda started crying, I really tried to calm her down by telling her ‘It’s ok, it’s just a crayon, it feels weird in our hand, but it’s not something bad’ but she kept on crying. I’m sorry, but really driving me insane. Usually I get really mad at her after a while, or sometimes just at the beginning. It’s tiresome to deal with her. Well Brenda was screaming and maybe to paint a picture for people who might not understand. Imagine, every feeling you have in your body screams at you ‘NO DONT DO IT, GET AWAY, RUN AWAY, HIDE, ITS NOT SAVE!’ and the rational part of me has to take a good look at the situation to see if there really is danger. Often I can’t even be rational, I get so scared because of the thoughts that are screaming in my head and the feelings who feed the thoughts. In the end, I did do a little bit with crayons, after that I was done. Enough. Brenda did calm down and went to the background again (she’s always commenting by the way, talking (not even to me?) so that doesn’t even bother me.) It’s when she screams and cry’s, when she’s demanding all attention, that’s when I go crazy.
The rest of the day was ok. Brenda was quite quiet and I was doing ok. Sometimes feeling bad about Randy (see previous post called ‘Where do the broken hearts go?’) and some other stuff.
I had a talk with my psychiatric nurse (who I’ll call Brandon) about how to change stuff. Basically I am really annoyed by the big separation of head & body. Thoughts & feelings. They never seem to match.
Last talk with Brandon was tough too.. I was having a lot of trouble dealing with my body and I guess he wanted me to acknowledge why. I said to him ‘I hate my body! I want it gone!’ He said; ‘why? what happened with your body?’ and then I went; ‘Nothing! I just hate it!’
Sometimes I feel like I’m back where I started. I don’t want to have a used body.. I want a clean one. I feel so dirty/disgusting. I don’t even want to acknowledge that I have been abused. Yep, I said it. I kind of want to erase it, but I wont.
Anyway, I do believe that the fact that I hate my body so much, makes the separations of head and body even bigger. Feelings are often in the body (as I have been told) and when I feel something, I am reminded of that stupid body. So I try to push that as far away as I can.
He said, what was true, that I really have to come to terms with my past before I can process it. I know he’s right, but its all so painful. I really don’t want to be that person 😦
But I have to, in order to become better, in order to achieve my dreams and goals. So I will. One step at a time.
The talk with him made me emotional/down, Brandon said he was glad about that, because that means my body and head agree on whats going on.
It also confused me, because I wasn’t really sure if I was feeling bad because of the whole acceptance thing, or because of Randy? I think both. Mostly acceptance though, but Randy as well. I’ve been thinking about that and I feel so stupid. I am the only one who is hurting from this. I was so stupid that I was willing to quit smoking for him. Sure, not only for him, but he would be like one of the 5 reasons. I am ashamed of myself.. how could I be so foolish? Thinking he liked me as much as I liked him. I wrote a poem when we were still dating, I’ll post in on here under poems. It’s painful reading that, but I feel I have to. Because back then, I really did feel all those feelings and it felt good. The one thing, that makes me feel like the stupidest person on earth, is that people warned me.. My best (guy) friend at the time told me he was using me. My sister said it as well.. And I was being stupid like ‘No, I trust him’. So afterwards I had to come back to them with my tail between my legs telling them they were right.
What.. What kind of fool.. tears it apart? Leaving me in pain and sorrow. I only apologize for being as they say ‘the last to know’..
I feel like I have been writing too much.
I do want to write a blog especially about childhood trauma and my (currently) most painful struggle. Maybe I will tonight, but maybe tomorrow.